I’ve had a blog post in my head for months now that I didn’t know if I would ever have the courage to write and publish. Today’s version will be different, but I’m going to be vulnerable and lay some things out there.

Here goes.

Months ago I was googling tips and insight on being a spouse of a firefighter. Kyle’s rookie year was hard on our relationship. It just was. We knew it going in, we braced for it, and we made it through. But being a family of a first responder. Is.Just.Different.

This is all totally new territory for us both. I stumbled across a blog written by a firefighter wife with some tips she had gathered through the years, and asked for comments from other wives. I kid you not, one of the answers was “lower your expectation of them. Expect nothing of them or you’ll be disappointed.” I immediately called Kyle in horror that this could be someone’s answer and asked his permission to blog about our own journey.

I tend to be open with the world feeling like we all have a deep connection with one another. I find healing in my stories of struggle if they can somehow bring peace to someone else knowing they aren’t alone. Kyle is more reserved/private, and I honor that for him. But with zero hesitation he gave me the green light to write our story.

When I met Kyle, he had gone through fire school but not yet hired on with any department. JFRD was by far his top choice, and we finally got the call that he was in. I knew nothing of fire life or what to expect, but I do remember him saying Rookie year would be tough. He would either be in class, at the station, studying, driving territory, or more studying. Basically he wanted me to know he would have very little time outside of work for an entire year.

I love my independence and autonomy in a relationship. My work can be as busy as I want to make it. I love to travel. So I assured him I could stay busy, we would be fine, we would get through it, and I would be there to support him. Well holy shit. It was freaking hard. Harder than I expected. Kyle is a perfectionist, has the drive to be the best at anything he does (which I LOVE). His heart and soul went into that first year. He was under slept, stressed, packing in SO much knowledge, and always busy. I secretly counted down days, weeks, months until it was going to be over because I wanted the stress off him.

I wanted to see him get rest, feel the weight off, be a priority to him again, have time to sit across from each other and just talk. I wanted HIM back. Kyle did finish out his first year, and being on the back end seeing what it takes, I couldn’t be more proud of him. There was a new rookie coming into the station, and I asked for his wife’s contact info just so I could reach out and say “hey, it’s going to get really tough. It sucks. But there’s an end date to it all. And I’m here if you need me.”

So if this post is anything, it’s to the wife at home that’s trying her best to be supportive but also feeling overwhelmed and unseen at times. I’m here to say, yes it IS hard. You’re not feeling this alone. It gets better. To “lower expectations” is a ridiculous and unnecessary bullshit answer. And here are some of the things that helped (HELP) me to do and remember.

1. “Set your intention”

This is a staple practice of my life. Beautiful experiences or relationships or days don’t just “happen”. They take intent and thoughtfulness. They take work. Working out a plan of how to go about this is imperative and ever evolving.

2. Communicate your needs.

I’ve told Kyle, I’m pretty sure this will be a conversation we’ll have many times during the rest of our lives together. We all tend to get buried in our work, especially if it’s something we love to do. So I think having the open dialogue when needed to just say, “Hey, I’m feeling a little disconnected or less of a priority right now. I know it’s not personal or done intentionally, but can we carve out some time for us?” This is huge. Learning to be brave and name our needs.

2. Holidays

Last year, Kyle’s shift day fell on 4th of July (our anniversary), Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years. BUT. At our station, families gather there together when on shift. Getting to meet and get to know the other wives and children has been really nice. Everyone brings a dish, but the boys do most of the cooking there at the station. They put out the tables and chairs for us. They serve the wives and kids first.

They do all the clean up and don’t allow the women to help. It’s so unique to experience being sort of a “guest” in their home. And getting to share those special days together as a big family has been really beautiful. For our anniversary and new years, Kyle has been on the top of the bridge downtown with a front row seat for the fireworks. He’s called to FaceTime with me to share those moments with him. So he’s really tried to make me a part of life’s big moments with him even though we aren’t in the same place. (And those were not suggestions I’ve made. That’s all Kyle. Thank you, love).

3. Support him

The boys see some awful things on the regular. I imagine he tells me 1/20th of it, if that. But what I do hear, it’s work I would never stomach being able to do. It takes a special kind of mental and physical strength to see as much suffering and death as they do on a regular basis.

Can I also insert my ignorance here? I thought firefighters fought fires. I had no idea they were the first to roll up on the shootings, wrecks, medical calls, etc. And each time I listen and think, “HOW DO YOU ENDURE THIS?” I know the answer, and that’s because he was born to do it. It’s in his DNA to rescue and save. To put himself at risk to save someone else. I love that about him. And it’s important that I remind him of that. Build him up for that.

(PHOTO credit JFRD instagram)

4. Support group of other wives.

One of the station wives (thanks Katie) invited me in a Facebook wives group for JFRD wives, and that’s been super helpful. Behind every amazing man there’s probably loving woman at home that’s got his back. I want greatness for both of us. I want us both to go out of this life fulfilling every dream we’ve ever had. Being a firefighter is Kyle’s.

And having a group of women in the same boat as me, answering questions, being there for each other. I feel it helps me being plugged in so I can be the best I need to be for him. Plus on those really hard days, for instance the major ship fire that happened a few months ago. There were so many questions and unknowns and just waiting for answers to make sure everyone was okay. Being able to wait out those hours WITH an online group just made it…easier. Not being alone during the uncertainty was helpful.

5. Hold down the fort when he’s gone.

Solo parenting is challenging at times, but it’s gotten so much easier with time. We have our rhythms and routines. We miss daddy, and we’re so grateful when we hear the door open and him yell, “I’m home!”. Never fails I hear a followup of Delila’s voice yell, “YAYYYYY!” as I hear her running to greet him.

6. Make time to get away together.

Normal life is hustle bustle here at home. Either he’s gone on shift, trying to work OT, taking a class at the academy, or purely exhausted. Not to mention he needs days for himself to catch up on the life he needs to…errands, gym, surf, whatever. It’s rare to have downtime together to just BE. I’ve noticed when we can go away for a few days together, it’s medicine to my heart. Being present, being together, LAUGHING, having fun, being rested. It fills me up.

7. Leadership when he’s away.

Holy moly. Last month the roof started leaking, AC broke, pool pump broke, computer got hit by lightening. Really it was overwhelming. But this is where my long time independence serves me well. I just melt down a little and then handle business. Set up the appointments, and get it handled.

8. His other family.

Those boys go through really dangerous situations together. They depend on each other with their lives. They are his family. And by extension, they are our family. I was taking our son up to the station to see daddy on his birthday, and the boys insisted on buying him his birthday cake to celebrate with him when we dropped by. I dropped by to say goodbye before a road trip out of town, and the boys were sorting out making sure my tires were all evenly filled up. They are OUR family.

9. Don’t go to bed angry.

This was one of Kyle’s rules. He wakes up at 4am and leaves for shift before I’m up. If we’ve fought the day before, it needs to repair before we go to bed. Their work is dangerous, and nothing is worth being at odds with each other should something happen to him.

10. Pride and honor.

THIS is the reason for the blog post today. There’s so much sacrifice that goes into the family life of a first responder. It’s waters that we’ll continue to navigate for a really long time I’m sure. But last night I got the text from him on shift that he was being deployed to hurricane Sally with the USAR Swift water rescue team. Unknowns of exactly where he’ll go, for how long, etc.

Kyle didn’t have to say it, but I know he’s level 10 so happy to be called up on for this job. He was born to rescue and water rescue IS his specialty. And there’s SUCH a pride and honor I feel to be partnered with someone who sacrifices so much of himself to be of service to others. It just feels so beautiful to be his support waiting on him for when he gets home. It makes me so proud to watch his courage and bravery. I’m honored to be the person he looks forward to making it home safely to.

-So my take away point of this is. Yes it’s hard. Harder than I imagined. But the good far outweighs any of the struggle. And today especially when emotions are high I wanted to document this feeling.

(PHOTO credit JFRD fb)

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Tonya Beaver Photography Studio Location: Jacksonville Beach, FL

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